I refuse to be a Victim

It’s been so long that I have been thinking about an issue or I should say a common situation that many women must have faced at some point in their lives. No! I am not going to talk about any kind of sexual assault or any harassment that women face but an issue that somewhere tells the mind set of our society towards women and one of many other ways in which a woman is disrespected.

A few days ago it happened to me that I posted a picture of mine on a social networking site. There was nothing new in posting a picture but to my surprise I got a few compliments or you can say remarks that made me to think – ‘what is so extraordinary with this picture’. In that picture I was wearing shorts and it was clicked on some day when I was out with my friends. I got remarks like ‘so hot’, ‘damn sexy’ and some more of such types from a few and I took them as a compliment, though I thought why I never got such compliments when I posted a picture in a saree, salwar kameez or chudidar. Is it that a woman in these attires does not look hot or sexy? Or is it like people think of you with a different perspective when you wear shorts? 

So, what happened was, one of my acquaintances, a guy, after looking at that picture, asked me for a date in a derogatory manner that I really felt offended. I refused for the date and did not say much at that time and thought, like many other girls would have thought in such a case - I should have not posted this picture. Many people would think that it’s wrong on my part to post such a picture on a social website being a woman. After a few minutes of disgust, I understood what was actually wrong. There was nothing wrong in the picture and not even in the clothes I was wearing but there was something wrong with the mind set of the person as he might have concluded that the clothes I am wearing are portent of depravity and a girl who can post such a picture can take any brusque remarks and can easily be asked for a date in any disrespectful manner and she won’t mind.

And this was just an incident that makes me to think there is nothing new in this situation. This has been the trend of the hypocrite and major part of our society – people make such hue and cry about the crime against women, of sexual assaults, harassment and rape cases. They talk at a great length of how wrong it is to disrespect a woman and what should be done to change our society. However, why to go that far, isn't it the basic thing that we are missing – to respect a woman irrespective of our prejudice based on what she is wearing?  How a woman’s clothes can give us the liberty to think that she is immoral, easy to approach and easy to be laid? How it gives us the freedom to use derogatory remarks and hence to humiliate any woman? How does her apparel let us assume that she is a fair game to receive any unsolicited attention?

Here I am not talking of that part of society that is illiterate but the part that is very much literate and considered as accountable. And the irony is - not only men but the women themselves are a big contributor to women’s disgrace. Many a times, women are heard making a remark that the women are harassed as they implicitly ‘ask for it’ through their attires. But this is a well-known fallacy and this is a discussion for another day.

My concern here is about those women who accept to be a victim of such disgrace, who accept the guilt of the sin which they have not committed, who have sanctioned the tag of being immoral without any question. I will try to explain it with an example. I had been in a relationship with a guy who was well educated and was working in a renowned MNC at a good position. But these factors did not make any difference to his mind set. I was not supposed to wear western clothes because he considered them as a harbinger of immorality and so was declared as a taboo for me. After a bit of resentment I gave in and accepted the decree. This was my first sanction as a victim. Later, one day I showed my photographs of a visit to some place to one of my close friends, and I was wearing shorts in those pictures. My friend who is an MBA from a reputed institute, to my astonishment, he said – ‘this is what freedom means to you? ’. He gave me a lecture on the societal standards and declared me as someone who is devoid of morality. I again did not say anything and this was my second sanction as a victim.

I was amazed as the guy with whom I was in a relationship and my friend they knew me for years, still they judged me with what I wore and just forgot about what kind of a person I am. I have also heard many similar stories from my friends and many other women wherein they gave up their freedom of choice to wear what they like to because of similar situations.

But this time I decided - I refuse to be a victim and I won’t sanction anyone’s judgement against me. I refuse to accept as guilt that I have the right to decide what I like to wear like any other person in our society. I refuse to accept as guilt that I wear what pleases me and not to invite anyone’s unwanted attention and remarks. I refuse to accept this form of gender discrimination and hypocrisy where a woman’s character is judged by her clothing. There is nothing wrong with what a woman choose to wear but the regressive mentality of people, which presumes that the evil is in the apparel. It’s not the clothes that are harbingers of immorality, but it’s the mind set and gaze of people that is immoral.

Therefore, I want to assert that every woman should stop accepting the tag of being frail and ask people by what right they pass the judgement based on what she decides to wear. Why to bear with such a ridiculous demeanor? Don’t be silent; speak up as silence is taken as a weakness and your approval of being a victim.

Also, I like to assert to everyone - ‘Never judge a woman’s character by what she wears, like it is said - never judge a book by its cover’. Start with this and I am sure things will change for better.

If this is Love, I admit

What we had, was never about YOU or ME

It was the best because together we made it “US”

Our togetherness was a union of hearts, so perfect

Though for a short time, but a complete union nonetheless

People spend their lives to search for someone special

Life comes to an end but the search does not

I am the blessed to have found my perfect half in you

As you are the reason for the contentedness I got

If this is love, I admit.

I am never alone as if you are with me always

I want to look beautiful as if you are looking at me

My eyes twinkle as if you are smiling at me lovingly

I smile suddenly as if you just said something to me

I think in a way as if I am sharing my thoughts with you

I listen to the love songs as if they are meant for us

I close my eyes and feel the warmth as if it’s your embrace

I am living as if I am the one who own all the love you possess

If this is love, I admit. 

I am nothing but you as I am living you in each moment

The belongingness I feel makes me feel complete

Life has never made so much sense as it makes now

And I am so much into you, sometimes I need to retreat

As someone will see you in my eyes, catch you in my smile

Someone will read you in my thoughts, smell you in my fragrance

 Someone will feel you in my songs, find you in my poems

Someone will hear you in my words, appreciate you in my appearance

If this is love, I admit.

There is nothing left with me as I have given you all I had

I have given you my strengths and my weaknesses

I have given you my dreams and my needs

I have given you my sorrows and my happiness

I have given you my ego and my attitude

I have given you my will and my pride

I have given you my heart and my soul

And I finally won after losing myself to you

If this is love, I admit.

Would it have been purer if we would be together forever?

Few relations are better left unnamed

Would it have been truer if we would have said ‘I love you’?

Few things are better left unsaid

What if we will not be able to make this life’s journey together?

Few steps I walked with you made this path worth walking for

Now the only thing that matters is – you will live in me forever

And there is nothing I am afraid of anymore

If this is love, I admit. 

Who said we are apart and will never be together?

You are mine in a way no one can ever get anyone

And even you cannot take this away from me, never!

I am yours as it is the only meaning of my existence

You are there wherever I go, any path or any destination

You walk beside me holding my hand assuredly

You brought the peace and calmness to me

You are the answer to my questions, you are my ecstasy

If this is love, I admit.

So here I say it as I never said it before

I LOVE YOU….

And this is for every breath that I will take from now on

Every smile I will fake no matter what I’ll go through

Every move I will make in my own world

Every step I will take away from you

But I am sure, we will meet where this world ends

Beyond every right and wrong, our souls will reunite

As we are the soul mates!!!

I admit this is love.

Thank You Dad

I remember those days when I was a kid,

It was a morning ritual before I went to school

You used to iron my uniform and polish my shoes

I always made faces, for how you did is not so cool.

On the way to the school

Sometimes even when I was not asking,

you used to buy me some candies

not missing it a single morning.

In the evenings, when you came home after work

Without showing a sign of tiredness on your face

You became a horse for me to ride

And asked me if I want to go to grand ma’s place.

When our travel game got over

You used to hold me in your hands up in the air

made me to dance on the song you sang

 “Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Vijaya butter”.

When mom cooked the dinner

you cooked up a new story for me every night.

You fed me the dinner from your hands

And everything seemed to be perfectly all right.

Whenever you wanted me to accompany you

somewhere without mother

I never agreed until you bought me some chocolates

Even when I cheated on you, you always laughed rather.

As I grew up, candies turned to money

Whenever I came to you before leaving and said – ‘Papa’

You understood, smiled and gave me some rupees

I requested you not to tell mom

And you always kept the promise.

During my exams, I always slept without worrying

Because I knew that you would spoil your sleep

Not once, not twice but so many times,

To wake me up early in the morning.

While I grew up I started thinking

that its mom not you who understands me.

A gap was built between us,

I did not care about the reason and let it be.

You started teasing and laughed at me that

I am a mamma’s daughter

But somewhere we were aware

that it was the truth behind your laughter.

I shared all my secrets with mom

never told you about what’s going on

and never asked for your suggestions

until you used to ask or reckon.

I got irritated with the questions you kept on asking

I fought with you on every little thing,

Misbehaved and yelled at you

when I thought I was right and you knew nothing.

When I started living away for my job

I called up mom daily and shared everything.

Even when we talked, I fought with you and disconnected

You needed to ask mom about my health and well being.

Time changed and I learnt my own lessons

What I thought was a generation gap was your experience.

Every reason you gave to me now makes sense

Everything you said and suggested was life’s essence.

You believed in me and supported every decision I made

You made me stand taller when I was so afraid.

You taught me to be strong to face life each day

You stood by me and assured everything is gonna be ok.

You always tried more to be a friend than just a father

I failed to respect those feelings and did not bother.

You raised me like a son and taught me to be independent

But what I brought to you was only disappointment.

I feel ashamed as I never appreciated anything you did for me

How I became so thank less and did not notice.

I cannot forgive myself for making you to cry

All you wanted was my happiness but I turned a blind eye.

But now I know why fathers are so adorable and precious

For whatever I have done, you treated me like a princess.

You are the best man I have ever known in my life

I won’t be able to thank you ever, no matter how much I try.

I want to say it now as I have never told you this before

Dad, I love you from my heart’s core.

Though I have always been called mamma’s daughter

But I love to be my dad’s little girl forever.

Papa ki pari hoon mein (I am my dad’s angel)…

Don’t Want You Anymore

What made you think that it’s you

Who helped me stand taller

I never needed you

To make me feel stronger

You knew me since so long

Still judged me with what I wore

You thought you know it all

And who will ask for more

So now go, go away

I don’t want you anymore

You were always indecisive and confused

Never able to take a stand

Worried about the whole world

With no guts to hold my hand

How can I be such a fool

To cry for someone so fake

I was too brave & my love so strong

For you to take

So now go, go away

I don’t want you anymore

What you had was surely not Love

Else you would have fought or tried to stay

You were enjoying the moments

Like it was a game you love to play

To see if your charm still works

You never lost touch with your Exes

Wanted me to dance to your beats

And that’s what the truth is

So now go, go away

 I don’t want you anymore

The matter of the fact is

What I felt you never cared

And I went crazy for

All the love songs you shared

So I am letting you go back

To the world from where you came

Because now I know

For you it was just another game

So now go, go away

I don’t want you anymore

Those “I love you’s” were so meaningless

And you were wearing a mask

You only preached words

With no actions to ask

But now I am thankful

 As I got rid of your lies

Better late than never

Once said someone wise

So now go, go away

I don’t want you anymore

This time you got it wrong

As you don’t know me at all

You might have left me broken down

But were not able to break my soul

Baby it is you who has lost

Someone who loved you a lot

And I won coz I am free from

All the Pain and hurt that I got

So now go, go away

I don’t want you anymore

Whatever was there between us

Is another lesson learned

Perfectness is not the only thing

That can make love stand

I am sure I’ll find someone

With love so true

Who will stand by me till the end

Not pretentious and hollow as you

So now go, go away

I don’t want you anymore

I won’t shed a tear

Or lose a blink of my sleep for a hypocrite

I know I deserve someone better

And you are not worth it

Nothing will change

 Coz now you are gone

Till the time I know how to love

I will move on

So now go, go away

 I don’t want you anymore

Did I Tell You

Did I tell you

I never believed a relation can ever be perfect,

With you I experienced the meaning of togetherness

And the perfectness of ‘us’.

Did I tell you

Being with you meant completeness,

When we understood the meaning of each other’s silence,

When we brought out the best in each other.

Did I tell you

That our endless conversation every day,

All those magical moments that we spent together,

Made the life worth living for.

Did I tell you

Our togetherness forever was something I dreamt of,

And for you, I wanted to be everything,

But I know for you I meant nothing.

Did I tell you

I thought it was love and you were the one for me,

But for you it was just being with any other gal,

And to talk to me was a habit that you changed.

Did I tell you

When you said my name crosses your mind sometimes,

I wanted to tell you…

I’m living every moment with you.

Did I tell you

When you said you look forward to see me,

I was dying to be in your arms

 and everything else does not matter.

Did I tell you

When I cried before you,

It was not because I was weak or needed sympathy

But I was unable to hold onto what I felt for you.

Did I tell you

When you called me fake

There was a lump in my throat but I could not cry,

And the pain was so severe when you mocked at my feelings.

Did I tell you

When you thought I ignored you

I hid all what I was feeling and what I wanted to say

I cried silently, as I was sure you would never understand.

Did I tell you

When you said you are letting me free,

I did not want to go…

I wanted to be a captive in your love forever.

Did I tell you

When you said we can never be together

You made a choice

But for me it was helplessness like a death sentence.

As now you are gone

I still live in the moments that we spent together…

I still love you the way I did…

And I have kept you in my heart forever…

The only difference is,

I have learnt to live this half life

And understood that may be you are not in the lines of my hands

But I was destined to experience love in you and with you.

May be today I mean nothing to you

But you will realize it one day

No one can love you the way I do…

Jab Hum Tum Met

after 5 years...

In every love or I should say to-be-love relationship, there comes a phase when you can feel that it is more than a friendship still you cannot name it as ‘Love’. This is the most amazing phase of a relationship, with lots of uncertainties and confusions, when the other person has not confessed his/her feelings, no proposals, when silence has its own language, still you feel so special in some moments that your heart sings ‘chahe tum kuch na kaho maine sun liya’. It is when you do not even think about what future holds for this relation but you prefer to live in those charismatic moments and find yourself on cloud nine.

Here is one of those days from my life when I experienced being on the top of the world - ‘aaj main upper, aasman niche’. I met an old time friend, should I call him a friend? No! Same situation, when I knew that it’s not just friendship but somewhere I knew it’s not yet love. We knew each other from past 7 years however; we met only a few times. The relationship was on and off, and even when we were in touch it was only through phone calls, SMSes or chats. But there was an invisible bond, so strong that somehow it always kept us together. We never had any awkward moment when we had nothing to talk about, even if we were talking after an year or we were talking every day for hours. Then came a day when it happened that we decided to meet or correctly, the destiny decided for us that we should meet. I asked myself - Is it a date? No! friends don't date. Friends? huh whatever. I still remember the excitement I had, it was weird. I was not able to get the reason of being so happy – ‘aye dil bata yeh tujhe kya hua’.

A night prior to when we were supposed to meet I played a prank. We talked over the phone that night and I told him that I would not be able to come as my parents wanted me to spend some time with them. Though I could not see him but I was able to feel the despair in his voice. He suggested me a number of excuses that I could make. I was glad as the prank was unintentional but I came to know that the excitement and craziness is not with me only – ‘Jo hal dil ka idhar ho raha hai, vo hal dil ka udhar ho raha hai’…

Next morning, I left to reach the place where we had planned to meet. Oh I forgot to tell you, I did not know why, but I pampered myself to look the best that day. I wanted to listen through his eyes, even if he would not say it – ‘You are looking beautiful’.

I was standing on the roadside, my eyes searching for him, my heart beating faster than usual with both excitement and nervousness at the same time; I was waiting for him when I felt a tap on my left shoulder. I turned into the direction but he was standing on my right side, and this is what he always does. Yes, this was the moment when we were standing in front of each other after 5 long years, my heart skipped a beat - ‘Dekh ke tumko hosh mein aana bhul gaye, yaad rahe tum aur zamaana bhul gaye’. I don’t know how, but we hugged, though it was a small hug but it happened.

We walked for some time to reach the bus stand, talking and laughing all the while. It did not seem for a single moment that we were seeing each other after so long. Again, I don’t know why but there was a constant smile on my face all the time and same with him. For my smile he was the reason, and I hoped, I wished that I was the reason behind his smile. We were about to cross the road when he gently held my hand and we crossed the road. I just kept looking at him with surprise while crossing and he did not budge as if nothing happened. May be it was nothing but for me it was more than anything. It was the softness of his touch, it was care, it was belongingness, and it was everything – ‘tune chua aaj aise, main kya se kya ban gayi’.

We reached the bus stand and boarded the bus. The bus was crowded and none of us got a seat. We were standing and he was around me, I mean he was standing decently but in such a way as to protect me from everyone in the crowd. I felt so secure and what else a girl wants – someone, whom she loves, protects her from all the evils in this world - ‘tujh ko jo paya to, hai yeh lagta kyun, bahon mein bus teri mehfooz hun’. Did I say ‘she loves’? It is not yet love but soon going to be.

After some distance, I got a seat and then after some time he got the one beside me. All this time he was looking at me, observing me (from a small grain on my arm to my nail paint, from the darkness of kohl in my eyes to the silkiness of my dark long hair), smiling all the time. And how I knew it? I saw it all from the corner of my eyes. He was not able to take his eyes off even when I was looking out of the window. He was so happy to have me with him and so did I, as if a child had got his favourite toy after asking for it for so long. It made my day and yes his constant observation, his twinkling eyes, his bright smile said it all – ‘You are beautiful’. At least I heard it and later he confessed it.

We watched a movie and don’t ask me which movie. Though I remember the name but who was interested in the movie? We were more interested in each other, talking to each other all the time, sometimes about the movie and sometimes our own stories. After movie, we were just roaming around in the mall, while walking and looking at the surroundings our hands rubbed many times, and a moment came when of those many times our fingers intermingled and we held each other’s hands softly and walked. There were no words and no glances exchanged but the silence had its own understanding – ‘Khamoshiyan gungunane lagi’. Were we in love? No, the fall has just begun.

We came out of the mall and he asked me if I want to have an ice cream, how could I say no to him for an ice cream? While we were having our ice creams, the bus came and we got in. When we got the seats, I saw him struggling with the ice cream as it had melted and he had it all over his hand. He was looking so damn cute fighting with the melting ice cream, puzzled and looking for something to clean it off. I gave him a tissue and his eyes twinkled again like a kid. Yes, many times he behaves in a way that makes him as adorable as a kid.

All the time he was talking and believe me I love listening to his talks, though I know many times they are silly. Through the window of the bus, he was showing me different places and his stories about those places. We reached a market place where we went to a restaurant. We sat down opposite to each other and he asked me what I would like to have. While asking, he forwarded both of his hands towards me and then he held my hands lovingly. Everything happening was just like a dream. It was happening so quick like the blow of wind and I was leisurely flowing with it. I wanted the moment to freeze and last forever. But he went to place the order at the counter and I was still not able to take my eyes off him. How can looking at someone make you feel so much at peace? - 'ek din zindagi itni hogi hasin, maine socha na tha'.

We then came out and started walking in huge open area in the market place. Our conversations have always been endless and so we were again talking and laughing. Time flew and his friends started calling him as he had to catch up with them to go back to his place. He was making excuses to them and trying to spend some more time. And so was I, wishing for some more time with him. Both of us did not want time to pass by. But finally we had to go on our separate ways. He walked me to the bus stand from where I would get the bus to my place. We boarded the bus, I got the seat and he stood in front of me to say bye. But he took his time to leave and somehow we ran out of words. This was unusual between us. I wanted to tell him to stay by my side forever and never let me go. Sometimes you are not sure if you have the right on someone to express all your feelings even if you feel the person is yours. And here the confession was still to be made. He left - ‘Chaha tha yeh kahenge, socha tha vo kahenge, aaye woh samne to kuch bhi na keh sake’.

We reached our respective places and informed each other. There was something I was missing now. There was something that I left with him. The whole night went thinking about him. I questioned myself if he felt the same about me like I felt for him? Was it something more than friendship for him or…? I did not want to think of the other option. The whole night was spent vacillating between – ‘may be yes’ or ‘may be no’. The next day when I was working in the office, my phone beeped. It was his message which said:

“Hai nasha teri meri har mulakat mein”

It brought a big arc smile on my face and an answer to my dilemma. I knew I have fallen for him and so did he. Yes it’s LOVE.